Eating

I battle with food every day. I battle to stay within my calories, I battle to eat 'clean'. Mostly I battle with sweets. I wish, I WISH that I could just relax, eat whatever I want, and not feel like I have to go and work it off at the gym. I hate the eaters remorse feeling I get when I eat something I 'shouldn't'. I hate when I overeat.

Jesus, I'd love to sit down and eat a package of cookie dough, some chocolate glazed donuts, some fried mozzarella cheesesticks, and my favorite.. cupcakes. Don't forget pizza. I caved again today in the cafeteria when a small key lime tart stared out at me from the dessert fridge. Amongst all his friends: Carrot cake and little grouping of chocolate covered strawberries he called to me the most. I tried to resist the calling but in a nano-second of weakness I was up and had that little plate in my hand and before I could put it back or cry for help.. the tiny tart was devoured at a cost of probably 250 calories.

Immediately following: Eaters remorse. I could feel the calories packing on the pounds right then and there. I feel like I fail everyday and that's because I do. I wake up and I say it's going to be a new day, I'm going to eat clean and not stray. Sometimes I will go up to 3 days of being good and the destroy it all in one day. I read articles about people who eat clean and I think that this has to be bullshit. How can anyone live without sugar? I used to have the willpower for this but I don't know where it went. Then someone else says have one cheat day, live the 80/20 rule. 80% good eating, 20% cheating eating. WTF does that mean? If I eat 6 meals a day I can have 1.2 bad meals? Because that's 20% of 6 meals, or does it go by hours? Calories? Is that a day or a week? Does it all add up to the same in the end?

Portion size is not my friend because I still want to eat when I am done. I'm not necessarily hungry but I just want to keep eating. I ate a whole pint of strawberries and I feel fucking guilty about that. I just wish I didn't want to eat. I've trained my body to be hungry every 2 hours, you may not understand how annoying this is, but it's extremely annoying.

Is there something missing in my diet that makes me crave this shit, especially sugar? I've always been a sugar junkie. I still love eating it but I hate that I can't say no when I want to so badly. I can't deny that the little pooch on my belly and the little fat on my butt is from this straying. I don't know what else to do. Does everyone battle with food the way I do? I don't think so. I will go back to the gym and I will step on the scale and know that the only way to fix the problem is to radically diet. I'm already a stick in the mud due to all of my training, I feel like being an extreme dieter will make me all the less interesting. Who knew that eating would make you feel socially awkward?

Tomorrow I will start again.