4 weeks away

I watched my sister-in-law run her first marathon today and along with it I saw many people who were also running their first half marathons,  and I remembered the feeling of being there and having the nervous anticipation of waiting at the start line. I'm glad that I could be out there to help Felicia and other runners along the way, it was a kind of pay it forward to all those people who supported me during my tough moments in a marathon or half marathon. I handed out chocolate, tissues, and oranges to runners who seemed to greatly appreciate it. I can only hope it helped them. 

As of now I'm still trying to get over a cold and my lungs are tight and yet I would like to go for a long run tomorrow. I still have no hopes of trying to set a PR for this half but I do have a hope of looking forward to it a little more. 

I just learned that a good friend of mine passed away today, he was too young. We hadn't spoken in a while but had been in touch through Facebook. I knew of his life now when otherwise I would have lost touch with him a long time ago. It's amazing how close the Internet can keep us. His passing makes me want to run more, to celebrate life while we have such a precious gift. I will celebrate Dane's life because that's what I feel I should do. I pray for those who are missing him most, his wife and parents. Hug your loved ones a little more because life can be short. Say a prayer or have a moment of silence for those who are taken too soon. Most of all, life your life to the fullest. 

I have to admit something.. I've been struggling. I don't know what it is but my desire to run is gone and I seem to find every excuse to not do it. I am still running about three times a week and working out about three times a week but that intensity that I used to have, it's not there. It's hard for me to write this because I don't know who is going to read it and with me being a personal trainer and motivator I feel like I am not supposed to have these issues. But we're all human and we all struggle.

Honestly, the time when I worked out the most was personally for me a very hard time in my life. I used running and working out as a coping mechanism. But now I'm happy in my personal life and I'm unhappy in my physical fitness life. Why is that? Why can't I have both. It's absurd to say but when I used to run I would think about problems in my life and then I would let them all slip away and I would feel free. Now.. I'm just happy. I have a few things here and there that I can ponder on while running but not too much. I know it's stupid that I'm complaining about having no issues in my life from which I need to escape from because that's a GREAT thing to have. What I hate is that I've put on weight and I can't seem to take it off. Fat and Happy? I guess I am for now. I keep signing up for races hoping that they will motivate me but instead they seem impossible.

My performance in the marathon hurt my pride and I'm trying to bounce back from that. EVERYONE has a bad race, a bad run, a bad experience. Why am I letting this define me? I keep going over it and over it in my head
and the answer is to just get out there and do it. I need to get rid of this mental block in my head and find that determination again.. does anyone have any suggestions? I have 6 weeks to a half marathon and the most I've run is 40 minutes. Grrrr


Frustrated.